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My Notes on the Olympic Coverage That I’m Mostly Not Watching

Not that NBC is paying attention, it is clear to everyone by now they are clueless, but here are some things that would drastically improve the television coverage:

• Stop zooming in up an athlete’s nostrils during the medal ceremony. Nobody needs to see that, even their mothers.
• Incorporate reality-television ideas: vote Al Trautwig off the island. Bob Costas, off the island.
• Remember than many, many people go to bed before eleven, and even the people who don’t still would rather not wait until quarter past ten to see the big winner they heard about eight hours ago on the internet.
• The music puff pieces are set to would be better off left in the horror flicks and disease of the week tv movies from whence it came.
• I think it is hysterical the U.S. men’s basketball team lost to Puerto Rico. I mean, Puerto Rico is practically the fifty-first state, it is a tiny island, and they kicked the NBA’s ass. If you want to beat something to death, why not put a photo of the men’s team on a screen and have folks in the Olypmic village walk by, point, and laugh.
• I will not buy any product just because an Olympic athlete supposedly uses it. I don’t care what the Olympic team’s official pain reliever is (like these folks have a normal person’s pain tolerance anyway?) or what the official mid-morning snack product is, or the official toilet paper. Nobody does, so shut up.

Also, while I’m bitching about the Olympics, beach volleyball isn’t really a sport. It is a way for tan, tall chicks with small breasts to get folks to ogle them at the beach. Yes, I understand they are incredibly fit, that they could spike a volleyball down my throat if they wanted, and probably have resting pulse rates of 52, but that still doesn’t make beach volleyball a sport. It is about girl-watching. I mean, since when is anything even resembling a thong an official uniform? This is not the p0rn Olympics.

For the equestrian events, the horse ought to get the medal. The horse is the one who did the jumping, leaping, and trotting. Plus, they’d look funky with those laurels on their heads. Those things look ridiculous on people, but with horses, they’d be cool. Until the silver medalist reached over and nibbled on the gold medalist’s during the national anthem.

This — about the thong having no place as part of an official uniform — is EXACTLY what I was saying to my friend on Sunday night when I got my first gander at the beach volleyball get-ups. If the gymnasts can do their difficult routines in one-piece, long-sleeved leotards, then the beach volleyers can put on some f***ing clothes!

(I have officially become a prude. I think it happened the day I passed age 35. Before that I was just a prig.)

I was a little surprised that I recognized that Steven Lopez from the US taekwondo olympic team wears the same gear as I do, although I doubt he bought his in chinatown. There is better stuff you can buy out of Korea.

A porn olympics is a great idea. I’ll get right on that.